"About me: Tangerines, cats, “She’s Got The Time” by The Poor, salmon-colored balsam, the 80s garage band revival, Ingmar B, fantasy: Marc Bolan and I in the cramped back seat of a planet, rain with attitude."
JUST SHY OF THE RAINBOW
The director calls me to the set. I’m
Dorothy—a tough acting job
for a fifty-four year old man.
It’s the scene where the twister’s
dashing up fast and I can’t open
the storm cellar door. John McCain
walks up behind me and opens it,
says I’d look better in a suit. I say
he’d look better in a dress.
Auntie Em’s head pops up
and says, A fuckin’ storm’s
biting your asses—get in here.
Okay. John says he prefers
war pictures. Well, we all
take roles we don’t like,
right? Uncle Henry smokes pot.
Toto barks I want to be a poodle.
“You Can’t Always Get What You Want”
will be dubbed into
the soundtrack. Cut. We go
to our dressing rooms. The director
enters mine and blows me
twice. He’s nice. But demanding.
I’m going to be a star! Kansas
will wiggle its ruby ass
and I’ll come running—
there’s no place like home.
I LOVE LUCY, CANCELLED AFTER HALF AN EPISODE
Look, you prick, either I get to be on your show
or I’ll leave you.
Go ahead, leave.
Slam. Door closes.
Cancelled.
CRIME SCENE
You say I’ll kill you
if you don’t like “Puppet Man”
by the 5th Dimension. I say:
Do your worst. You do.
Your worst. I’m dead.
Close-up on the body
being wheeled out
on the 10 p.m. report.
A news personality asks
a neighbor: Are you
upset? No, the neighbor,
Mr. Felch, says. You get
a suspended sentence.
The Judge thinks I made you
do it. He did the same thing
to his wife who baldly claimed
she disliked “Crystal
Blue Persuasion.” I hear
well in my coffin. The scuttlebutt
is that you’ve found
another lover. You dance
and dance to the 5D. But I wait.
You haven’t asked him yet about
“Things I’d Like To Say”
